After my horrible mishap, and with this jealousy that consumed me, my morale was 36 feet under.
Deep down, I know that I don’t have that much to complain about, that my life is going great! But there are moments in life when the positive cannot recolour the disappointments and disillusions.
I see everything in black
So yes, I have a job that I love, but at this moment I only keep the feedback of disappointment. I have a great circle of friends, I love them, I have a great time at improv, and yet I feel immeasurably alone.
I am in an emotional state where I can’t see where I’m going, where I don’t want anything. The only thing I dream of is to dive into an icy water and let myself sink.
I’ve always had periods like that, and I always will.
But usually all I need is a few sad songs on a loop, a couple of movies to make me cry and a few glasses of wine. Then my tears flow like torrents. And then, river dried up, the smile comes back and so does the carefree attitude.
Except that this time, it’s not enough. I don’t believe in it anymore. Love is not for me.
Except that a life without love, is it really worth living? Not sure.
I might as well get it over with
So when a friend reminds me that she went to see a psychic, the idea springs up.
And why not go too? After all, if I’m going to lose all hope, I might as well do it knowingly. And then, in the best case scenario, she’ll give me back hope?
If she tells me that nothing will happen for another ten years, well, at least I’ll stop worrying.
I might as well get rid of the vain hopes, I could send back to their ropes the honeyed “your turn will come”!
I took the number of Sabine, the psychic. Let’s go for an extraordinary adventure.
All I have to do is send her an SMS to get in touch with her.
By SMS, she is rather direct, and not very soft. I give her my disposals, we agree on an interview Wednesday, June 28 at 7:15 pm.
The few days that separate me from the appointment pass quickly. On Wednesday, I am afraid. And if I made a huge mistake. What if everything she was going to tell me would overwhelm me, and I wouldn’t be able to stand up again?
It’s too late, I’m already walking towards her house. 35 boulevard Magenta. My stomach is tied up, my eyes try to remember everything.
I withdraw 40 euros in cash. 40 euros to find out if hope makes you live or not.
I follow the instructions, first door code. It’s a classic Parisian building. I ring the bell, my stomach twists once again.
Her voice on the intercom is soft, she tells me the 6th. I take a last breath and go inside.
The elevator is waiting for me, the smell is a bit pungent. I breathe, come on, it will be fine. Sweat beads on my face, it’s heavy.
The elevator only goes to the 5th floor, I walk up to the top floor. There are at least 6 doors on the landing.
Instinctively, I know that it is the one facing me. I wait.
Sabine the psychic
After a few minutes of waiting, the door opens. A man of about fifty years old, small and nervous, comes out. He is shaken by tics.
She accompanies him with her voice to the stairs. Her words are reassuring, like those of a therapist for her patient.
I am both reassured and even more anxious about what comes next.
She invites me in. The room is not more than 10m2 on the ground, we are under the roof and the heat is moist.
Carpet covers the floor, two armchairs face each other. Both are covered with an old blue polar plaid. A beautiful wooden coffee table separates the two armchairs.
Sabine invites me to join the armchair on the right.
I look around the room. There is hardly anything else, and a shelf which seems to be full of grimoire and tarots of all kinds.
No incense, no curtains. Just Sabine smiling at me.
She is quite massive. Her long, thick, curly black and gray hair falls nonchalantly over her shoulders. She is wearing a 90’s bicycle, and a top that looks like it came straight out of the Leclerc in Bergerac, full of colors.
If her sense of style is doubtful, she has a soft and benevolent look.
Drawing of cards
I don’t know what to do. To make sure I don’t influence her, I don’t say a word. I’m not sure I believe any of this, so let’s see what she sees, before I tell her about me.
Her first question is only about my date of birth. I tell her half-heartedly. We have 9 year cycles, 2022 is the first year of a new cycle.
Ok, why not. Well, this cycle starts well…
She suggests I start with the printout that represents my life today. Ok… Let’s see what you can guess about me.
She spreads the 22 cards of the first tarot on the table and asks me to choose 12 of them. So, I point to one, then another, and so on.
Now the 12 cards are face down, 3 on top of an imaginary diamond, facing her. Ready? Let’s go for the inventory of my current life.
The first cards turned over represent my professional life. They are all positive, the seal, the papyrus, I am validated and recognized. Well, cool, and pretty true.
The other cards confirm, but also affirm that I am in a period of stress… Yeah, a little, with the Teambuilding day. I’ll give you that, Sabine.
The fortune teller then turns over the love cards. The first one is an all black card, which represents nothingness… Ok thanks Sabine, you have summarized the situation well…
To this one is added disillusionment, the hanged man, and the fusion card but reversed. In short, she sums up, my love life, it’s not that.
And for the blow, she does not go there with dead hand. “Three years, there is nothing. The total desert. Easy Sabine, maybe it’s been more than three years since anyone has loved me, but from there to describe my meeting with Chocolate Cake in Australia as a desert…
In view of this deplorable situation, she suggested that I start with the drawing of my love future. Yes, I might as well put my two feet in it straight away!
Before starting, as if to try to win me over, as if to convince me of her “powers”, she mentions my father. “I don’t know why, since a while ago I’ve been seeing your father’s knees. Tell him to be careful.”
Okay, weird, indeed, my dad has knee problems. Coincidence? Energy?
Come on, pull my cards. She changes the tarot deck. Same process, she spreads them out in front of me, I pick 12. Provided that they are the right ones.
My love future according to Sabine
This is the moment I’ve been waiting for, she methodically turns them over.
She tells me that none of this will happen in 2022. 2022 is lost for love. On the other hand, 2023…
Impossible for me to decipher the cards. King of hearts, knight of hearts, that’s positive, isn’t it? Death? Scythe? Uh, what does that mean?
Sabine, reading the cards one by one. There will be a man in 2023, and a lot of love and complicity. I can’t believe it, but go on. What is the scythe?
The scythe represents the cut with his past. The lover will not be 25, he will be at least 40, and will have had a life before me. Children, a marriage maybe. But it’s over.
Oh well, considering my love life, I’m not going to be picky either. Go on, Sabine!
A boat, another black rider, and a card I can’t remember. “He’ll come from somewhere else, probably from a country that requires crossing a sea or an ocean. I sense a man more from the southern Mediterranean.”
That’s good timing, I love men with caramel skin. It continues, he will have a very good situation. He won’t be in uniform, he won’t be in medicine, but he’ll have money. He will have an important position, responsibilities.
Our love will be pure, with no connection to this money. Thank you, Sabine, I wouldn’t know if I were a venal woman. We will be very accomplices (Hallelujah!).
Tree of the rooting. Card of the child, a girl no doubt.
In short, the cards predicted a wonderful future in love with a foreign man, rich, forty years old, with children and an ex-wife.
The rest of the session
A short break in the draws. She offers me a session with a shrink, reassuring me. Sometimes she mentions the energy I give off, she tells me how important family is to me. She paints a pretty realistic picture of my parents, without me saying anything to her.
I try not to say too much. We’ll see. She gets it right on almost everything! She’s good, this Sabine!
Come on, it’s time to move on to the pro future. Same method, different tarot deck.
I am attentive, but less involved than in the love reading.
She sees a lot of evolution for me, 4 years still in the same company. More and more responsibilities. Big changes and strong growth for my company.
In short, only positive things. Great, I couldn’t ask for anything better.
After a few reassuring words about myself and my future in love, the session ended.
35 minutes, 40 euros, but a hope that is slowly being reborn.
What comes out of all this
Do I believe in it? I would like to. I wish I could tell myself that what she saw in the cards was true. Yes, I would love to have a man waiting for me in 2023 ready to build a great love.
But it seems almost too good to be true.
So yes, this session did me a world of good. It’s silly, but it got my head out of the water! And since 2023 is still several months away, I’m going to refocus on myself until then.
Goodbye quest for impossible love, by next January, I’ll let myself go.
Thank you Sabine. See you at the end of 2023 to know if you were right…