Santa, Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Dear Santa,
I realize that you have been very busy this Christmas Eve, however your delivery was more than satisfactory. So you see I have to make a small claim.
Obviously with age, I suspect that you are no longer looking at the holes and that it is more complicated for you to evaluate the size of a package and the size of the chimney. On the other hand, when you saw that it didn’t fit, you could have avoided squeezing it by sitting on it.
Indeed, when the package arrived this morning at the bottom of my chimney, it had certainly swept the flue for about ten years, and for that I thank you, of course, but you can imagine that the gift was somewhat damaged in the manoeuvre. Not only was it all covered with soot and looked like a large piece of coal (I even thought it was a gift from Father Fouettard, but I immediately dismissed this possibility, in view of my exemplary year of wisdom), but after the color and the dust had passed, it seemed somewhat distorted in relation to the order I had given it.
Certainly it had everything it needed, a head, two arms, two legs, a penis, at last a penis, from what I could guess, because it was unfortunately so tiny, that I almost believed it was a gender error (a piece must have been cut during its fall down the chimney, I don’t see how it could be otherwise!). BUT it didn’t look at all like the Prince Charming I had described to you in my letter!
If the delivery was, as I described above, very chaotic and probably damaged my gift a lot, I still have some doubts about the basic model of your gift.
When I said large, I didn’t mean the width, and when I asked for an organ of more than suitable size, I didn’t mean the nose. It’s true that I didn’t specify the nationality, but you might have suspected that I don’t really master Kazakh and that it will be difficult for me to communicate with him. As for the sense of humour, maybe you were right, unfortunately, not understanding his language, his thunderous laughter got the better of me and I ended up locking him in the garage.
You will therefore understand, dear Santa, that it is without any malice, that I wish to return the said present to you. I have thought about selling it on the internet, but it is not very photogenic and sending the package would risk ruining me. So can I drop it off at a Relay Point so that it can be returned to you?
If I don’t hear from you in a few days, I might leave it at a highway rest area, and you, like me, don’t want that.
For the next year, Santa, I think I’ll manage on my own. Amazon has a very good delivery service.
Yours sincerely.
And Merry Christmas.
Mylene, wise as a fiddle.
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