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Consuming jealousy

The smile of Jealousy… Photo by DDP on Unsplash

When you lose your self-confidence, it takes over. Happy and victorious, it comes out of the shadows and shows its horrible face.

When we are not strong enough to chase it away, it consumes us and makes us face all our insecurities. Jealousy will always catch up with us at the worst possible moment.

It stings

It only took one message on Whatsapp for her to pull out her best green dress, and pour a flood of bitterness into my gut.

“I’m seeing someone.” I was already down, with mojo at the daisy chain, and he delivers the final blow.

What did I think? That he was going to be left alone patiently, that he wouldn’t find a shoe more suited to his foot?

What did I expect? To find it before he did?

Well, yes, I was hoping for that. Then to know that he was dating this girl I had been suspicious of. It stings, itches, it makes me acid and nasty.

Pompom of the story, he plans to bring her back to our festival day. As if the injury wasn’t enough, he’s going to confront me with all my insecurities.

That evening, we play one more immersive improv at his place. The first minutes, I have difficulty to cross his glance. For this evening, the following one is not there, but the bitterness is already present on my side.

But the friendly nature takes its rights, and finally, without the shadow of this competitor who has already won, I enjoy him as a friend like the others.

Face to face

At the festival, everything goes well, until the face to face. Whereas we celebrate the success of the troop, between us, or almost, he arrives with her on his arm.

My throat clenches as much as my fists. I look away so quickly that I don’t have time to detail her.

They are at the end of the table, my end of the table, only inches away. I read support, empathy, and solidarity in my friends’ eyes.

The urge to leave the table and go home is outweighed by the pride (for once) and support of my buddies.

My eyes don’t rest on her or him. They are not in my field of vision, nor in my field of conversation. Indifference is an easy contempt.

At this moment, I tell myself that I could never look at him again. My rage is such, my brain loops over my jealousy.

What does she have that I don’t?

We look like polar opposites, wise and intellectual versus lost and intuitive. I was undoubtedly a mistake, and so was he, but now I can’t agree. I only see the injustice and all the physical and intellectual insecurities that I have.

Finally, she leaves and we are left with each other. Once again, nature returns. My gaze can once again rest on him, without rage or desire for violence. That’s something.

The bad surprise

If I was prepared to see her on Saturday, I didn’t expect to see her at all on Sunday.

Unlimited pass for 3 days of shows, I didn’t expect that he would invite my “rival”.

I know that “rival”, there is not, there never was and there never will be. Now that it’s all digested, I know that, yet, at the time that’s how I see it.

When my friend and I arrive, when A. waves us to the two seats he has reserved for us, I don’t immediately see the faces of his two neighbors. It’s when we pass in front that my heart sinks. He is there and she is too. Great.

A glance with my friend, and we agree without saying anything. We will do everything to avoid them. A ball of jealousy prevents me from breathing well.

A. leaves, we leave the room, we pass in front of them. I hardly look at them, it almost burns my pupils. My interior voice calls her names. I smile quickly, we go to see another show. Ciao.

My buddy couldn’t be more supportive, she passes by without even giving them a word! God, I love it!

Saved… or not

Last show, that makes already one hour that we got rid of them. We enter the big show room, careful.

It is crazy what my friend can understand me, she anticipates. She scans as me the room of the glance. The goal, to avoid them, to sit down as far as possible from the small couple which makes me want to puke.

No one is there. All the room is analyzed or almost. We throw our devotion on the third row. One hardly put our buttocks, that it turns towards us a friendly face.

Kill me for pity! One forgot to check the first two rows, and one has just settled just behind them… Just behind…

He starts a conversation, I respond in monosyllables. She has the decency not to turn around. I watch her straight hair and her head wobble slightly.

If I had a piece of gum, I would stick it in her hair. I don’t, she’s safe. My friend looks at me with a sorry look. Too bad.

Fortunately the show is nice, it allows me not to focus only on her. My throat tightens every time she leans towards him, that she tries a discreet paw.

He has the decency not to give in to the cuddles of the dark rooms, I would have made a syncope!

Show over, each duo goes their own way with a quick wave of the hand as the only goodbye.

Hell is over.

Female support, male incomprehension

I am angry with myself. The guilt replaces little by little the jealousy.

He is still my friend, my behavior was not cool. Was it at least justified?

Vocals, messages, discussions by the dozen, my friends are unanimous. He’s a jerk, not smart, clumsy and not very empathetic for bringing his girl back like that. I’m ten times better anyway, too bad for him.

They don’t mince their words, but it feels good to go. They comfort me. Obviously my reaction was justified! And I could have reacted even less well!

Thank you girls and your female solidarity! And thank you to this wonderful community of women who make everything lighter and fun.

My guy buddies on the other hand, and my little brother in the group in particular, don’t understand at all. Why am I bothering with this, when you and he had no future? You weren’t even together! Ego, that’s all it is. It’s okay, move on and wish them all the best.

Too soon, really. I just want to strangle them. Okay it’s true, but I don’t want to hear it.

They are all right. Jealousy is an ego thing, but it exists, and it’s justified.

It comes and goes, it is transposed…

A message to get rid of guilt, a nice answer, and a friendship that starts again as before.

No hard feelings. Jealousy flies away.

It rests sometimes, at the bend of a message full of mawkish hearts seen on his phone.

Her green dress sometimes reappears on other occasions, and it doesn’t even concern him anymore. A guy in the evening who ignores me for another of my girls. It is mixed with envy, the desire to be more beautiful, to have a body as slender, as full of breasts, a thinner face.

The object of desire is no longer fixed on him, so jealousy becomes multiple. I fight it, as best I can.

It will eventually disappear, and I will finally savor the peace that I would have found with myself…